Dammit, Mike.

Dammit, Mike. We’ve been over this.

The last time I had written about Mike Bianchi, a sports columnist for the Orlando Sentinel who treats the state of Mississippi with more contempt than the Koch brothers treat a value item in a McDonald’s, he was set to release yet another article citing the television markets of Tampa and Orlando as reasonable cause for UCF and USF to replace “deadwood” schools like Ole Miss and Mississippi State in the SEC. Now he’s gone and written one more article to the same degree, because this horse just isn’t dead yet.

Let’s get one thing out of the way first. Bianchi isn’t wrong. The television markets of Tampa and Orlando are far bigger than Jackson’s, much less Oxford or Starkville. The thing I don’t understand is that with Bianchi’s vastly superior audience, he’s still trying to agitate Mississippians through his clickbait articles.

Let’s get one more thing straight, though, this is no longer about football. This is about one man’s throwing of stones at Mississippi from his glass Florida house, most likely accommodated with a sit-down shower installed by the previous owners.

Is Mike Bianchi’s readership in South Florida so low that he has to pull clicks from Mississippi, a place he claims he was surprised even had the internet? And if that’s true, what exactly does that say about how his local readers feel about him?

I can’t answer these questions. Is Mike Bianchi an asshole? Yes. I can answer that one.

At first I was angry with Bianchi because he was hoisting his local programs up on his shoulders while dragging my beloved program (and nothing close to beloved program, but from Mississippi nonetheless so I’ll defend them) through the Mississippi mud. How dare Bianchi claim that UCF and USF deserved to be in the SEC over Mississippi’s teams, who at the time were experiencing almost unprecedented success?

His logic was sound though. Ole Miss and Mississippi State came into the SEC over 100 years ago and being in the SEC has no doubt benefitted both programs through national exposure that they normally wouldn’t have achieved in the local markets. Now that the Rebels and Bulldogs are experiencing such high success on the football field, it’s easy to see how in hindsight Bianchi can watch our success from the bar at a Jimmy Buffett’s Cheeseburger in Paradise and think, “that should be us.”

The problem with Bianchi’s writing isn’t his logic, it’s his rhetoric when it comes to Mississippians.

Bianchi could have easily written out a fact-driven column about television statistics and how USF and UCF’s markets are better suited for Power-5 football, he didn’t though. Instead, Bianchi insists on making fun of Mississippians in the process with derogatory comments and jokes that Jeff Foxworthy wouldn’t even grin at.

“I didn’t know so many Mississippians had Internet access.”

“More than 60 million people per year visit Orlando whereas the only people who visit Mississippi are Buford and Betty Joe Cooter’s cousins from Muscle Shoals.”

Just a few of the things Bianchi has said about Mississippians while he so desperately wants our clicks, our success. Bianchi has a skewed view of Mississippi. Sure, we have our hicks here and there, I’d be very willing to bet Florida has more of them though.

Mississippi is a place rich in culture, we gave America the Blues and eventually Rock ‘n’ Roll. Florida gave us Creed. Oxford is home to some of the best writers to ever live. Granted, Ernest Hemingway wrote some great books while in Florida, but he was dying to get out of there.

We understand television markets Mike, we know we’re lucky to be in the best conference there is. While we’re here we’re going to enjoy our successes, I’ve got a feeling we’ll be enjoying them for awhile though. We understand where your argument comes from. What we don’t understand is, why do you have to be such an asshole about it?

I won’t be able to make the trip to Gainesville, I lived in Florida for five years and thank my parents every day for moving us out when they did. If you’re making the trip to the Swamp and see Mike Bianchi though, walk up to him, shoes and all, and tell him he can keep his larger markets. I’d rather live in Mississippi.

Will Crockett is a senior journalism student at The University of Mississippi. He was in Tuscaloosa for the Rebels latest road victory and since none of his actions in Tuscaloosa have surfaced on video, he plans on continuing to write in Oxford for as long as he can. You can follow him on Twitter @CallMeKingsley. 

Mike Bianchi and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Column

Mike Bianchi made quite a name for himself in the state of Mississippi 4 months ago when he made a poor decision. Unfortunately for Bianchi, he made a name for himself in Mississippi the same way that former Miss Teen South Carolina made a name for herself nationwide. He said (wrote and published) something incredibly dumb in a public setting, and immediately felt the backlash.

I have to apologize for dragging the former Miss Teen South Carolina into this, as it appeared her intentions were at least in the right place. Bianchi’s, on the other hand, were not only misguided, but poorly thought out and executed as well.

One would usually overlook another’s mistakes, after all, Bianchi is a sports columnist for the Orlando Sentinel, and as a sports columnist in Orlando, his toughest decision on a daily basis is most likely “flip-flops or Croc’s?” However, Bianchi decided to be bold back in June when he wrote a column titled “SEC should dump Mississippi schools, add UCF and USF.”

Ouch, I know what you’re thinking after reading that, as I am also someone who is currently in the present.

At the moment, both Ole Miss and Mississippi State’s football programs are ranked within the top 3 in the AP poll, with Mississippi State leading the nation at number 1. Both Mississippi team’s records stand at 6-0, and both are 3-0 in the SEC. The SEC, I’ll remind you, is the conference that Bianchi believes should dump both of its Mississippi schools in favor of the University of South Florida and University of Central Florida.

“My thoughts: If the Power 5 leagues truly want to break off into their own division then they first need to jettison the dead weight and add more deserving schools like UCF before setting sail for the brave new world of college football.”

Mike Bianchi wrote the above quote, referring to Mississippi schools as “dead weight,” and in so many words, undeserving of their current conference. That quote infuriated and insulted many Mississippians not only because it was misguided and insulting, but also probably because they know someone actually paid him at the end of the week for it.

UCF and USF are currently in what is known as the American Athletic Conference, or AAC, which was the former Big East Conference and is now a popular sports bar trivia answer to “what is the current name of the former Big East Conference?” among other things.

UCF and USF currently boast a combined 5-6 record overall, with their combined records against teams ranked in the Top 25 sitting at 0-3. Ole Miss’ and Mississippi State’s combined Top 25 record, you ask? An excellent question, the answer to which is 5-0.

In Mike Bianchi’s online personal bio, he states that “I try not to take myself too seriously.” What a relief, as I was beginning to get worried. 

Further along in Bianchi’s column, he makes his case for why UCF and USF should be members of the SEC, claiming that “It’s crazy that the Mississippi schools get to be part of the most powerful league in college football in a day and age when the sport is all about cable television subscribers, recruiting base and growth potential.”

“Combined, the Tampa and Orlando TV markets are the fourth-largest in the country,” wrote Bianchi, “whereas the TV markets of Oxford and Starkville don’t even show up on the list. Mississippi’s largest city – Jackson – is nation’s 94th-largest market.”

This may be true, and I applaud Mike for making a claim and using factual evidence to back it up. However, when I think of Oxford or Starkville, I immediately think “Ole Miss” and “Mississippi State.” The schools and the cities in which they call home are both one and the same.

Here is what I think when someone mentions Orlando, in this order:

• “Ugh, Florida.”
• Disney World.
• SeaWorld.
• “Pretty sure Dwight Howard used to play for an NBA team there once.”
• Universal Studios.
• “Is Epcot the same thing as Disney World or is it a different thing?”
• “I think LMFAO mentioned this city in a song one time, maybe that was a Key & Peele sketch though.”
• The University of Central Florida football.

Here is what I think when someone mentions Tampa, in this order:

(Sidenote: I lived in Tampa for 5 years.)

• Busch Gardens, home of the Sheikra roller-coaster.
• The Tampa Bay Dev-, Rays. Just the Rays now.
• That NFL team with the pirate ship in the end-zone.
• Beaches that, without proper footwear, will actually cut your feet.
• “LMFAO definitely mentioned this one in a song.”
• The University of South Florida football.

Mike Bianchi wouldn’t be able to understand the extent that Oxford and Starkville revolve around Ole Miss and Mississippi State football. The passion for each town’s school is unrivaled, and even in the down seasons, the support is always there. Don’t take my word for it though, just read what College Gameday producer Lee Fitting had to say in an email to Sports Illustrated, in reference to his experience doing College Gameday at Ole Miss.

“This was the best on-campus experience I’ve been part of as Game Day producer,” wrote Fitting. “It wasn’t a show, it was an event, and it was because you have such a great natural character in The Grove. You have an incredible recipe – a picture perfect setting, with thousands upon thousands of people that all share an unmatched passion for their school, their team and their sport,” per saturdaydownsouth.com.

The fact of the matter is that Bianchi was off base in writing the column. Ole Miss and Mississippi State have made their statements and obviously belong in the SEC, much to the chagrin of one particular Orlando Sentinel sports columnist.

I have one last bone to pick with Bianchi, however, and I don’t know how I feel about it because he’s making me do something I’ve never done before, come to the defense of Mississippi State.

Bianchi took a stereotypical, broad, over-generalizing cheap shot at Mississippi State fans when he wrote, “With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy: How can you tell if a Mississippi State fan is on vacation in Orlando? He’s the one trying to take his fishing pole into Sea World!”

Hilarious, normally, I might find myself cracking a slight smile at something like that, being the Ole Miss fan that I am. I have a joke for you though, Mr. Bianchi.

How can you tell if an Orlando Sentinel sports columnist is on vacation in Mississippi?

He’s the one trying to shove his foot into his mouth.

By Will Crockett

Will Crockett is a junior journalism student at The University of Mississippi. He is a lifelong Rebel and Red Sox fan, proud Mississippian, and currently responsible for the Lowe’s shortage of powder blue paint. Follow him on Twitter @CallMeKingsley.